Kind Determination

I'm not doing so well on my no sugar...um...wait...no carbs...uh...maybe this time it's the 1200 calorie thing?  Shit...I have no idea what I'm not doing well at, I just know that I've gained 10 of the 14 pounds I lost at the end of last year.  So I've come to yet another conclusion.

My eating habits are not going to change.

Okay, I do need to limit my sugar intake, because that's what put the pounds back on, but overall I eat a very clean and healthy diet.  Lots of lean meat - chicken mostly.  We don't fry anything in my house except eggs and we use Pam to do that.  I eat a lot of veggies in my salads (I'm addicted to salads - yay something good for a change.) and I avoid high fat cheese, fatty dressings and the rest of that stuff that can take a perfectly healthy salad and make it a heart attack on a plate. I limit pasta and bread.  I took a look at my portions - they are within the "limits" of what a woman of my age should be eating.  I've been eating this way for 20 years so it's part of who I am which means it's not hard to do.

Well then...what's the problem?

Lack of exercise.  In other words, I need to move my fat ass so it will not be a fat ass anymore.  Simple.

I was such an exercise fanatic up until my drinking got out of control.  I exercised a minimum of 4 nights a week and most weeks I did something all 7 days.  I did aerobics, step aerobics, weight training, spinning (I HATE spinning), Zumba, Power Yoga (and of course regular yoga) and any other things that would burn calories and build muscle.  It got me back in shape after my kids were born.  Anytime over the years that my weight would sneak up, my exercise would shove it back down where it belonged.  It was a lovely relationship.

Until I broke up with it.  Kicked it to the curb.  Dropped it like a hot potato.

After all, I was either too hungover to do anything in the morning or too anxious to pop that cork to do anything in the evening.  It was a lose-lose situation.

Now I've got to get a routine going again.  My biggest problem is that every time I begin a exercise regimen, I try to start where I left off - 50 pounds and 10 years ago.

Wait.  What?

YES!  It seems I can't reconcile myself with the fact that I'm one of the overweight, older women in the group classes that needs modifications and a slower pace.  I swore I'd never be that woman.  I swore I'd be the one telling them they could do it because I was xx years old and still in shape.  I would be the motivator not the motivate-ee.  Fucking alcohol.

I'm competitive.  It doesn't matter if I'm using a DVD at home or in a room full of women jumping around and sweating - I compete with them.  It's hard to back it off when you only remember one speed.  I started working out in my early 20's.  All I had in those days was one speed - full out and I managed to maintain that speed as I got older.  But then I stopped and atrophied so that when I hit that speed now, I end up pulling something, tearing something, unable to walk or feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack.  Three days of that and I'm saying, fuck this shit, I like me the way I am.

I can lie to myself...no surprise there.

So my coworker and I are starting a program.  I printed the one you see above from Pinterest (it actually has a workout for each day of the week).  She's getting married in November.  She's 40 and in great shape but she wants to tone up and lose a couple of inches.  While this is a competition (challenge), I have to be careful not to actually compete with her on how the exercises are done, just that they ARE done.  I have already decided which modifications I will make and promised myself to pretend this is the first time I've ever exercised ever!

Then God weighed in (pun intended).

I was running up the stairs this morning to grab something before I left for work and something in my bad knee just...went.  So now I'm in pain but still committed to this thing.  I'll rest my knee this weekend.  I'll ice it and try to stay off of it.  I'll even modify the exercises even more to accommodate it (wall push ups instead of knee push ups, rear lunges instead of regular lunges).

And I WON'T pretend like I'm 35 or 40 and then beat myself up because it hurts.  I will treat myself nicely.  I will be kind.  I won't judge.  I won't set my expectations too high.  I WILL maintain a positive attitude and accept whatever this body that I've abused and misused, decides it has to give.

Wish me luck.

Namaste

"If I had to select one quality, one personal characteristic that I regard as being most highly correlated with success, whatever the field, I would pick the trait of persistence. Determination. The will to endure to the end, to get knocked down seventy times and get up off the floor saying, Here comes number seventy-one!"

-Richard M. DeVos