I was at an event last night for work, where I was not the life of the party and did not know absolutely everyone in the room and, more importantly, did not want to know everyone in the room or be the life of the party. I was sitting there, nodding appropriately at someone blathering on about something or another and I thought, "Is it just because I don't drink anymore that I am bored at these events, or has a fundamental shift in my psyche happened and my Id didn't bother to tell my Ego (or vice versa - I can't remember my Psych 101 from college anymore)." Have I really become so ambivalent about my job and the people with whom I work that I'm okay just going through the motions? Not really caring about this business or these people? Would it be different if I was still drinking? Would I be more interesting and therefore be more interested?
Or is it because I'm not the big shot I used to be? Hmmm...that's another post entirely.
Honestly...I think I'm just bored. This job just isn't that much of a stretch. My boss and I knew that when she hired me - that this was only a way to get me in the door and that I would eventually move on to bigger and better things - but I thought this job would be fine for this part of my life. I thought I'd be happy with just a "job" and that I no longer needed to have a "career". I thought I could exist on the periphery and let everyone else get the glory and accolades and all the intrinsic rewards that come along for the ride.
Boy was I ever wrong.
What I've discovered is that I need passion in my work. I need to see the light bulb go off in the eyes of my participants and know that it's because of training that I designed. I want to know that I made a difference and that they are better bankers because they took my class. I haven't had that in a very long time. I got a taste of it again when I went out to San Francisco to help with another program. Feeling that passion and seeing those light bulbs again had the same affect on me that a glass of wine would have...
...I want more and I want it now.
I believe that's why I'm going to graduate school. (I got accepted. Yay!) Because I've noticed that without a master's degree, I'm not getting the street cred I need to get back into a role like that. So as we used to say in Mary Kay, find a way...make a way. I'm making a way.
And I've begun to look around within the company for other roles. It's a BIG company and you never know what might be out there. My boss knows. She's not thrilled but she's supportive. Can't ask for more than that.
That said, I have to say that this is exactly where I needed to be at this time in my life. The lay off, the unemployment, the new job that I'm grossly overqualified for have all served to humble me. It has made me more appreciative of what I have and who I am. It's given me time to reflect on mistakes I've made and take corrective action so that it doesn't happen again. It's made me appreciate the teacher in me and work to make her even better.
Her I like.