I was at an event last night for work, where I was not the life of the party and did not know absolutely everyone in the room and, more importantly, did not want to know everyone in the room or be the life of the party. I was sitting there, nodding appropriately at someone blathering on about something or another and I thought, "Is it just because I don't drink anymore that I am bored at these events, or has a fundamental shift in my psyche happened and my Id didn't bother to tell my Ego (or vice versa - I can't remember my Psych 101 from college anymore)." Have I really become so ambivalent about my job and the people with whom I work that I'm okay just going through the motions? Not really caring about this business or these people? Would it be different if I was still drinking? Would I be more interesting and therefore be more interested?
Or is it because I'm not the big shot I used to be? Hmmm...that's another post entirely.
Honestly...I think I'm just bored. This job just isn't that much of a stretch. My boss and I knew that when she hired me - that this was only a way to get me in the door and that I would eventually move on to bigger and better things - but I thought this job would be fine for this part of my life. I thought I'd be happy with just a "job" and that I no longer needed to have a "career". I thought I could exist on the periphery and let everyone else get the glory and accolades and all the intrinsic rewards that come along for the ride.
Boy was I ever wrong.
What I've discovered is that I need passion in my work. I need to see the light bulb go off in the eyes of my participants and know that it's because of training that I designed. I want to know that I made a difference and that they are better bankers because they took my class. I haven't had that in a very long time. I got a taste of it again when I went out to San Francisco to help with another program. Feeling that passion and seeing those light bulbs again had the same affect on me that a glass of wine would have...
...I want more and I want it now.
I believe that's why I'm going to graduate school. (I got accepted. Yay!) Because I've noticed that without a master's degree, I'm not getting the street cred I need to get back into a role like that. So as we used to say in Mary Kay, find a way...make a way. I'm making a way.
And I've begun to look around within the company for other roles. It's a BIG company and you never know what might be out there. My boss knows. She's not thrilled but she's supportive. Can't ask for more than that.
That said, I have to say that this is exactly where I needed to be at this time in my life. The lay off, the unemployment, the new job that I'm grossly overqualified for have all served to humble me. It has made me more appreciative of what I have and who I am. It's given me time to reflect on mistakes I've made and take corrective action so that it doesn't happen again. It's made me appreciate the teacher in me and work to make her even better.
Her I like.
Namaste
Wow....you sound like a big shot! lol I've never had a career so I can't contribute to all of that. BUT, I do know what it feels like to not connect in a group. I think when you have gone through dealing with other's addiction, and then your own, it puts life into perspective that some people don't understand. I can't do surfacy facades anymore. And I get bored listening to others do them. I just want to say, "Cut the shit...who are you really?"
ReplyDeleteI LOVE that! "Cut the shit...who are you really?" Oh if I could just say that!
DeleteSherry
Like you I realise I need passion in what I do. I haven't really had that for a long time. I've been in the same sector for 30 years - IT, first as a programmer, then a Database bod, then project/programme manager then as a service delivery type manager. But it just don't excite me no more. I could coast to a retirement in 5 - 10 years time but no - I shook it up and am off to train in a new role completely. Bizarrely my current employer (a large university) are keen for me to stay here part time, which I'm lucky to be doing. Now for the new chapter in something I hope will a bring passion to me again and secondly have a more direct result on those I interact with in a good way too.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to see how your new journey turns out! Exciting and scary all at the same time.
DeleteSherry
I find myself waiting anxiously to read your next post. Your blog is the first thing I check when I bring my computer up each day. I have close to three months of sobriety (nothing at all in the big scheme of life). Feels like a much longer time span though, like it's moving in slow motion. You just put your feelings and thoughts out there and it is so helpful to me in sorting things out. Thank you for being there.
ReplyDeleteYou are so welcome! Thank you for the very kind words.
DeletePlease don't minimize your sober time. Every day, hell, every HOUR is a huge accomplishment and coming up on three months is FANTASTIC!!! This shit is HARD!
Congrats to you and just keep on moving forward, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
Namaste
Sherry
Yay! A Sherry post! Missed ya :)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, what you say here makes a lot of sense to me. When I first got sober, I was looking for Joe Jobs. Anything - working in a warehouse, carrying mail, etc. I thought the same as you - just get a job for this part of my life. Lower expectations. Keep it simple, etc. And look for those jobs I did. I was thwarted at every turn. I didn't even think about looking for a job in my old industry. But the Creator had a different plan, and I did get a job in a place where I had started my career about 20 years ago. I am in a different position, of course, and it's been a blessing. Can I move onto bigger and better? I am sure I can. It's just a decision based on work life balance. I have pretty good balance right now. So to go upward and onward (remembering I have two young children) might eat into family life. So it's a tight line.
But I understand your position completely. I too need passion in my work. I just can't be the Joe Job guy. I wish I could, to be honesty, but then I wouldn't be true to myself. And isn't being true to one's self one of the benefits of sobriety?
Great post, great to see ya :)
Love and light,
Paul