Friday, June 21, 2013
Tired, Pissed, Grateful
I hate to admit this. With all of my do-it-all-and-never-let-anyone-see-you-sweat, ask-mom-and-she-knows, give-it-to-Sherry-and-it-will-get-done fiber in my being, I hate to type these words, much less say them out loud. But the time has come to give voice to something that I've been needing to say since approximately May 31st when we kicked off our "busy" season here at work.
Weary bone tired.
The reason I hate to admit this is because I feel like it means that I'm old. Yes, I'm working most days 10-14 hours (sometimes more if there's an evening event). AND I'm doing in business attire and 1-3 inch heels (depending on said business attire). AND I'm logging over 20,000 steps a day. So I guess I should be at least a little tired. But this is a tired that I've only experienced in the last few years or so. It's deep people, really deep. And I wouldn't really mind it if I had always been this way but that is not the case. Not the case at all I tell you!
I remember when times like this at work actually ENERGIZED me. I would go home and do an hour workout and then go out for the evening, get home at midnight and get up at six to do it all again! I remember when I was raising three babies at once, only getting about 5 hours of sleep per night (not in a row mind you) AND working a full time, 40 hour per week job. Even then I found time to workout, play with the kids and have a romantic life.
Now? Not so much. Most nights it's all I can do to come home, change clothes, water the plants (on the porch no less...not even a garden on the back forty or anything), wash my face and fall into bed by 9:30 or 10:00.
I feel old, and broken, and...well...old.
And I don't like it...not one little bit.
PLUS, shit hurts! My feet hurt and my knee hurts and if I don't sit in the exactly correct position when I work on my laptop my shoulder hurts and my head hurts and damn, even my teeth hurt from time to time. WTF is that about? This isn't the good kind of hurt like when you've done too many squats and your butt and quads are so sore the next day you have trouble going down the stairs. This is an achy, arthritis type of old hurt. AND I HATE IT.
I'm pissed that I'm not cool anymore and that I look like a dork when I dance (where did my rhythm go anyway?). I'm pissed that even though I think I sound hip when I use slang, I actually sound like an old lady using slang and it embarrasses my kids (but I do it on purpose anyway - hey I need to have a little fun). I'm pissed that I can't find anything to wear because what I should be wearing looks like something an old lady would wear and what I want to wear is actually better suited to the 30 something crowd. Plus my ass is the size of Texas right now and what looks good in a magazine or a catalog just doesn't translate well in the real world on this particular real body.
I'm tired and I'm pissed.
But, dammit, I'm still one of the most blessed women on the planet so not only am I tired and pissed but I'm very, very grateful as well.
I guess it's all in the perspective. But damn I'm tired.