Thursday, April 25, 2013
Those Are Some Really Expensive Supplements
For Lent I gave up giving up. By all accounts it was a huge success. I gained peace of mind. I gained some clarity about what I want in my life and how I want to live it. I gained a new perspective.
I gained five pounds.
Seriously, it's not all bad. I did gain all those other things but I still have to accept that I've changed as a result of my sobriety, what I did to my body during my drinking days and the fact that my metabolism is in the...ahem...Autumn of it's life. Things slow down in Autumn...they begin to DIE in Autumn. Which explains the size of my ass. A metabolism that's on life support. Yeah...that's it.
ANYWAY, my brain is back in weight loss mode and I heard a commercial on the radio for a local weight loss clinic that claims to be medically supervised and getting great results. First I checked to make sure it wasn't one of those 500 calorie plus a shot of pregnancy (HGC), (it wasn't) and then I filled out the little thingy on the website to get more information.
The woman called today and we had a little chat.
Cindy* "So, how much weight would you like to lose? Just a ball park figure will be fine."
Me "I want to lose between 40-50 pounds."
Cindy "Okay. That would put you on our 12 week program but I'd like you to speak with our counselor before committing to a program."
Me "Okay. Is the counselor a nurse or doctor or something." An assumption I made based on their commercial for a Medically Supervised Weight Loss Plan.
Cindy "Oh no. She's our mumble mumble fancy name counselor. She will do your evaluations and meet with you each week."
Me "Well who is the medical part of your plan?"
Cindy "We have a nurse on staff."
At this point I give up on the medical part and figure I'll move into the diet portion of the broadcast.
Me "So Cindy, tell me a little more about the program."
Cindy "Well, it consists of weekly visits. A diet customized to your needs and specifications. Lots of recipes (I swear to God she said that). A B-12 shot once a week and our supplements."
Me "Hmmm...so what are in the supplements."
Cindy "Vitamins, a cleanse, an appetite suppressant, and a metabolism booster."
Me "Okay. So let's get down to business...what's the cost?"
Cindy "Well if you sign up before the end of April you can take advantage of our promotion which will save you 50%-60%. Our 12 week program is normally $4250 but right now it's $1530."
Cindy "Ma'am? Are you still there?"
Me "Um, where exactly is the decimal point in those numbers? Did you actually just say $4,250 and $1,530?"
Cindy "(giggle) Yes, it's $4,250 and $1,530."
Me "So let me do the math on this. I want to lose 40-50 pounds and you say that's a 12 week program where the average weight loss, according to your website, is 2-3 pounds per week. Let's say a miracle happens and I'm on the high end of that scale (pun intended but I doubt she got it). At the end of the program I've lost 36 pounds...right?"
Cindy "Well, yes but you'd really have to confirm all that with the counselor."
Me "Got it. So, in spite of not reaching my goal, for $127.50 per week for 12 weeks, I could lose 36 pounds and I have to buy my own food right?"
Me "So by my calculations, that $42.50 per pound, not including food right? And that's only if I sign up before the end of April because after that it goes to $118.05 per pound right?"
Me "I'll have to get back to you. Thanks for your time. Bye."
Those are some freakishly expensive supplements. Ane who knew I was carrying so much extra money around on my ass?
*definitely her real name