Zen: (noun) A Japanese school of Mahayana Buddhism emphasizing the value of meditation and intuition.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Trust Me...I've Got This

I pray...a lot.  I pray in my shower.  I have a yoga/meditation room in which I pray.  I have a closet/sanctuary (place where the men in my house fear to tread) where I hit my knees on a regular basis and give it up.  I pray in my car.  I've prayed in church (duh).  I also have been known to go old school and kneel by my bed and chat with the Big Guy.  God knows me...we talk.

So you'd think that if we converse this much then I'd trust the Dude right? 

You'd think that...but you'd be wrong.

I have trust issues.  Big ones.  They stem from a fucked up childhood, plain and simple.  I spent the first half of my life reacting to my trust issues and I'm spending the rest of my life learning to manage and get over them.  I'm a work in progress.

But you'd think that with all my blessings, I'd at least trust God.  Again, you'd be wrong.

Really, it's not that I don't trust Him because of course I do.  It's just that sometimes I think I'm turning things over to Him and I find myself fretting, worrying and still thinking about the issue.  Um...that's not really turning things over you know?  That's me saying, "Yeah Big Guy, I know I turned this over to you and all but really, I've got this.  I mean, clearly I can do a better job than you right?"

Not so much Sherry...not so much.

I just wish I could turn it over and LET IT THE FUCK GO.  I wish I could read the tattoo on my ankle that says "let go" in a fancy swirl pattern that most people can't read, and then DO IT.  I wish I could turn it over and feel that sense of peace I get when I KNOW He's got this.  (Or when He's thrown a brick upside my head to tell me, "Hey!  I've got this!")

Right now I'm all worked up over a new role I want.  I know I'm perfect for the role.  The hiring manager knows I'm perfect and his manager thinks I'd be good by my manager, well, I'm not really sure what she thinks.  I've asked and she says she'd be thrilled for me if I got the role but, well, I just don't trust her.

Whomp there it is!

So I'll keep praying and hoping and TRUSTING that no matter what happens.  God's got this and I need to step the hell off.


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