Zen: (noun) A Japanese school of Mahayana Buddhism emphasizing the value of meditation and intuition.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Here's the Deal

That's one of my favorite sayings.  If you ask my kids, they'll tell you that when I say that they brace themselves...a lecture is comin' on hard.  "Here's the deal...blah, blah, blah."  And that's what popped in my head this morning as I was thinking through what I'm about to tell you.  So...

Here's the deal...I am sick to death of beating myself up over things I did in my drinking career so I'm not going to do it anymore.  Period.  End of sentence.

I was thinking about my anniversary this morning.  Bill and I used my Marriott points and stayed two nights at the Ritz Carlton in Uptown Charlotte. (Did I mention we live in Charlotte?  Well there you go.)  It was the first time we had stayed away from the kids for two night in a row since...well I'm not really sure we ever had.  We had a great time.

But the best part of the weekend was when we got into the car to go home and I didn't have a hangover!  I can't count the number of weekends away that I crawled into the car on Sunday morning with sweaters on my teeth, a sour stomach and wine seeping from my sweaty pours.  Ewwww....gross.  And I thought that was living! 

That brought me to a memory (always does right).  A memory of a time the boys and I visited a friend in our old town and she and I sat up the night before drinking and...


That's what I said to myself because before I knew it I was reliving that weekend and feeling like shit about what I drank and what I said and what I did and it was on the verge of ruining my day.  Until I paused and yelled at myself.

STOP.  (I have to yell.  Sometimes I don't listen.)

And then I stopped.  And I started thinking about how I have already made my amends.  I have apologized to everyone in my life INCLUDING myself.  I started thinking about how far I've come in the past 3 1/2 years and what a waste all that progress would be if I spent the rest of my life making myself feel like shit about things I did in the past.

Well...fuck that.

I'm living in the moment.  I'm sober.  I'm a good person.  I'm happy and my family is happy.  I have a job that (most days) makes me very happy and (all days) supports my family.  I want to focus on the NOW.

And besides, thinking about all that past stuff totally fucks with the zen I've worked so hard to cultivate and maintain.  And you know what I always say...

Don't risk the happy.



  1. I just love your words...focus on the present, practice forgiveness and just be grateful for the happy. You rock!

  2. Great stuff! Loved this!

    I too used to get caught up in the "how it was" moments. I used to replay some embarrassing moments over and over, or cringe at certain memories. But I very rarely entertain them any more. Like you have seen, they don't serve us where we are now. We seek peace and contentment. If we have made amends and are clear of our past, then it's a pointless task. The only time I dredge up the ugly past is when I am writing about something or sharing with another alcoholic who is new. That's about it. No war stories, no shame bombs.

    Loved this! and Happy Anniversary!


  3. Okay, so I just spent 7.5 hours driving back home from my hometown after spending a week there which dredged up all kinds of drinking memories, plus I had a couple of conversations with my boys that still live there that dredged up all kinds of drinking mommy guilty memories. So for 7.5 hours I have been composing various letters to each of my children apologizing for the whole decade of the 90's and the first ten years of this century. Thank you for being telepathic and writing what I needed to read today.

  4. Thank you sweet girl, for the encouragement from your blog...and mine. :)